Early signs

God has blessed me with so much.

At some point in my life I felt a certain way about myself,  I felt that celebrating myself meant I'm conceited and vain therefore I should always down play everything that's good about me.

Somewhere at the back of my mind I kind of told myself I don't deserve those good things,  or if I celebrate them then bad things are sure to follow.

So I would date just good enough,  even though I knew I could get better and deserved better.

Took the backseat and let my friends have the spotlight.

Was always extra polite and too careful not to hurt anyone's feelings.

Let cruel and unkind words slide by because well I would tell myself they didn't mean it.

I would tolerate rubbish service because well I didn't want conflict,  yet it was my money I was paying them with and I sure as hell deserved better because well I'm the customer and they weren't  doing me any favours.

The list goes on about how one day I woke up and just gave up on myself and crawled into this little corner.

I suppose it's life and all the horrible things I endured,  I suppose it's all those so called friends and family who made it seem like being assertive and demanding respect was wrong. They would always have these remarks about "oh you're so short tempered, oh just let it go..." knowing very well if the shoes was on the other foot they would never tolerate such.

And the useless punks I dated all after something or the other, treating me like a pretty little ornament that must stay in one spot while dust slowly accumulated.

The horrible bosses and jobs.
The rubbish friends.
Horrific experiences and incidents.

Which all lead to a series of bad choices and just basically being like mould "killing myself slowly and silently. "

So it wasn't until God instructed my daughter to choose me as a parent that now suddenly my attitude towards myself is changing.

Suddenly I have a person who by the grace of God truly adores me and only ever sees and accepts the Good about me.

And my mom, always encouraging and bailing me out of my bad choices, this by the Grace of God.

There are many other things that God blesses me with,  but because I've been through so much and misery became my best friend, good things happen and then fear creeps in and says "don't be too excited it won't last,  don't laugh too hard tears will soon follow,  don't love too much heartbreak and sorrow are around the corner..."

It's a constant struggle but by the Grace of God and prayer I am now seeing the light and believing that I deserve all the good life has to offer, just like we all do.

God has blessed and I am loved abundantly.