Waiting but Knowing.

Deep in the depths of my anxious heart I know this is not for me. This is not the kind of love I deserve. Yet here I m holding on, patiently being understanding to a situation that sucks the life out me.

With tears rolling down my eyes I still hope. With pieces of my shattered heart I still faith. I don't know what is wrong with me, what is it with me that forgives people that deliberately hurt me. What is it with me that always hopes for the best outcome from dead and broken situations.

Do I have such low self esteem, do I think so lowly of myself that I believe I deserve such things to be happening to me. Or did I through too much when I was younger that I now am like this as an adult.

I wonder what the reason is. I remember how I would wait for my dad as a kid knowing full well that he is not coming, but I still waited. The sun would rise and go down with me just standing there waiting,hoping that today he would actually pitch. But like all the other times he never did.

Maybe that's where it all began, maybe that's the part of me that needs to heal.

All I know is I need peace of mind.
😔