Forgive us for our sins

I tried it all , I did my best

but i keep failing, I don't know 

if I'm not praying hard enough

if i don't believe enough 

maybe it was the questions i had, 

would a God who loves his children 

let them suffer so, would he let their prayers 

go unanswered?

Should i have not asked, am i now paying? 

what have i done? was it my past life?

Is it my karmic punishment?

I can not explain it, i do not understand it

I don't have any words except to say 

sleep seems more comforting than reality 

hours of the day seem more daunting than usual

I dread every morning, every day 

my heart beats faster, my pulse races quicker

I anticipate , the humiliation that has been life

The explanations that I have to make daily

The promises broken , because of lies told to me

The guilt that haunts me.

The secret tears that i cry.

The pills I drink every night and morning 

just to get through the day.

The alcohol i consume in attempts to numb myself.

Every night i tell the Lord how grateful I am for the things

and the people i have in my life,

But i ask the lord what what was it that i did , 

for things to turn out the way the are?

I beg, I plead, I bargain, to no avail. 

I'm a walking zombie, fake smiles presented,

my soul slowly dying,

the victim i try so hard not to play,

but the cards that i have been dealt seem to remain the same.

Many say , what is she complaining about?

She has so much, little do they know that every year

I'm dealt a hand that requires me to smile through the tears

to watch and be happy for others while my world is crumbling.

My biggest sin being to want a better life, little options available

My biggest sin being to want to change the world for the struggling

My biggest sin being  able to make others laugh, while my soul slowly dies

wishing a death I don't really want , but life wont let me live.

Books I've read, prayers I've said , the light at the of the tunnel that never comes.

The humiliation i must endure,i don't know what it is or what sin I really committed

that could be so bad...

I know i have it better than others but little do they know, the demons I fight

on a daily basis , the disappointment that seems to follow me everywhere.

God only knows , I live in hope but each day disappointment greets me. 

The mother I cant be to my daughter, my heart bleeds everyday. 

I don't know, my pain , my struggles. 

We must be grateful for life they say, but do they know my struggles, my pains

since I was a little girl.....maybe I'm stupid to believe that as God' s children he should 

treat us equally, maybe I'm stupid for expecting this and not receiving it.