The road to becoming an unbeliever and unlearning what i was taught
I was raised Christian ...
Well my mom wasn't the go to church every Sunday type of lady,
she believed that God can hear your prayers from anywhere,
so why sit in an overcrowded church with all the hypocrites
when you can just have those conversations with God from the comfort of your own home?
This suited me just fine as i was and still am not a peoples person.
I prayed a lot , cried a lot some prayers were answered some were blatantly ignored,
Then i got tired , the little i read from the bible left a bitter taste in my mouth.
Me being a black African girl, i didn't fit in with most of the characters in the good book.
Now what has always and still gives me unrest is that they don't speak highly of women ,
except for Mary. As a woman this hurts me deeply.
Most or should i say all the characters in the good book are non-black this too traumatizes me.
so where do i fit in ? When the time comes will I enter the kingdom of heaven, when the book does not mention our people?
We are told not to ask these questions, but I cant not ask them , even I if I don't ask them out, deep in my soul I'm wondering and question.
Now at some point in my life i decided to be Buddhist,I had suffered a great deal , everything pretty much sucked for me and my only back-bone was my mom, who was also going through her own personal hell and had been going through it since she was 12(still going through it right now).
Ive also had my good days, good things sometimes happened to me and for those I'm truly grateful. So then I got scared , afraid of burning in the pits of hell and decided to quit Buddhism.
However its the only way of life I'm drawn to.
Anyway a lot of things went down , could never move forward in life, some said its witchcraft, some said the devil, some said that's just how life is. I sat there and asked myself; they tell us God is a loving God...but why are so many people in this world? especially those of the same race as me , why do the go through the most trials and tribulations? Why would a loving parent put you through hell and back just so he can prove to you how much he loves you? Sounds rather abusive to me!!!
Listen I've been struggling with this for a while, Ive cried myself to sleep every night, I drank a lot so I couldn't feel anything, shagged guys I didn't care about just to escape from all of this. At some point I just wanted to die and kill myself cause none of this makes any sense to me.
But in essence none of those things would fix my problems or answer my questions. Mostly I love my daughter way too much to just leave her to vices of this Godforsaken cruel world.
So now I'm left with the question, what is one to do?
Perform African rituals to the ancestors, then I sat and thought aren't they just as abusive as the "God" they tell us about , they too let you suffer and demand offering just to prove their love to you, but in order to be blessed you need to make offerings, so okay you left me here on earth and I was struggling so now when you are on the other side you ask me to slaughter and have offerings for you, but hold on, where on earth will I get the money from, you of all people should know my struggles, you lived with me at some point?
So here I am going through the most, the hardest part is these two years being away from my daughter, i call her everyday but its not the same. I want to cry sometimes but I'm sick of crying , it doesn't fix anything. Ive recently stopped praying too.
I don't understand any of this, this misery, this pain, this limited joy, the lack of finances, the shitty existence , I don't understand any of it.
Surely God is not cruel or narcissistic as he is portrayed by religions, I just refuse to believe that.
I don't know what to do or where to start or how to connect with God, but I do know one thing all the ways that I was taught to connect with him, they don't work for me, they are not my path.
I cant lie to myself any longer , these paths may work for some but they are honestly not for me, its kinda of scary but i have to let them go, try something new, something my soul relates to. Playing pretend and believing things i don't agree with has brought me nothing but sorry.
So here i am to a journey of unbelieving and unlearning all the things Ive been taught.
Well my mom wasn't the go to church every Sunday type of lady,
she believed that God can hear your prayers from anywhere,
so why sit in an overcrowded church with all the hypocrites
when you can just have those conversations with God from the comfort of your own home?
This suited me just fine as i was and still am not a peoples person.
I prayed a lot , cried a lot some prayers were answered some were blatantly ignored,
Then i got tired , the little i read from the bible left a bitter taste in my mouth.
Me being a black African girl, i didn't fit in with most of the characters in the good book.
Now what has always and still gives me unrest is that they don't speak highly of women ,
except for Mary. As a woman this hurts me deeply.
Most or should i say all the characters in the good book are non-black this too traumatizes me.
so where do i fit in ? When the time comes will I enter the kingdom of heaven, when the book does not mention our people?
We are told not to ask these questions, but I cant not ask them , even I if I don't ask them out, deep in my soul I'm wondering and question.
Now at some point in my life i decided to be Buddhist,I had suffered a great deal , everything pretty much sucked for me and my only back-bone was my mom, who was also going through her own personal hell and had been going through it since she was 12(still going through it right now).
Ive also had my good days, good things sometimes happened to me and for those I'm truly grateful. So then I got scared , afraid of burning in the pits of hell and decided to quit Buddhism.
However its the only way of life I'm drawn to.
Anyway a lot of things went down , could never move forward in life, some said its witchcraft, some said the devil, some said that's just how life is. I sat there and asked myself; they tell us God is a loving God...but why are so many people in this world? especially those of the same race as me , why do the go through the most trials and tribulations? Why would a loving parent put you through hell and back just so he can prove to you how much he loves you? Sounds rather abusive to me!!!
Listen I've been struggling with this for a while, Ive cried myself to sleep every night, I drank a lot so I couldn't feel anything, shagged guys I didn't care about just to escape from all of this. At some point I just wanted to die and kill myself cause none of this makes any sense to me.
But in essence none of those things would fix my problems or answer my questions. Mostly I love my daughter way too much to just leave her to vices of this Godforsaken cruel world.
So now I'm left with the question, what is one to do?
Perform African rituals to the ancestors, then I sat and thought aren't they just as abusive as the "God" they tell us about , they too let you suffer and demand offering just to prove their love to you, but in order to be blessed you need to make offerings, so okay you left me here on earth and I was struggling so now when you are on the other side you ask me to slaughter and have offerings for you, but hold on, where on earth will I get the money from, you of all people should know my struggles, you lived with me at some point?
So here I am going through the most, the hardest part is these two years being away from my daughter, i call her everyday but its not the same. I want to cry sometimes but I'm sick of crying , it doesn't fix anything. Ive recently stopped praying too.
I don't understand any of this, this misery, this pain, this limited joy, the lack of finances, the shitty existence , I don't understand any of it.
Surely God is not cruel or narcissistic as he is portrayed by religions, I just refuse to believe that.
I don't know what to do or where to start or how to connect with God, but I do know one thing all the ways that I was taught to connect with him, they don't work for me, they are not my path.
I cant lie to myself any longer , these paths may work for some but they are honestly not for me, its kinda of scary but i have to let them go, try something new, something my soul relates to. Playing pretend and believing things i don't agree with has brought me nothing but sorry.
So here i am to a journey of unbelieving and unlearning all the things Ive been taught.
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